"Modern" Relationships

As a newly single twentysomething, I got to thinking about relationships. In modern American society, women are supposed to be "liberated." We can dress as we please each day, return to our self-owned homes each night, drive our own cars, hold down our chosen careers, and follow our own hearts. Does this mean, then, that this self same modern American woman must also go dutch on first dates and hold her own doors?

An avid fan of Sex and the City and Grey's Anatomy, I have contemplated how these notions are presented to American society in the media for awhile. On both shows, you see strong, beautiful women with a variety of powerful careers: attorney (Miranda is my favorite for obvious reasons), a leader in public relations, a woman who works at a gallery, a successful freelance writer, and surgeons. These women are intelligent, fashionable, gorgeous, well educated, funny, and quick witted. This, we are told, is what we are supposed to be. They also have varying perspectives on relationships. Carrie is a serial monogamist--she gets involved with one man for awhile and stays devoted until things get a bit rocky. Charlotte lusts after her ideal marriage partner. Miranda has short flings and one lasting love that produces a child. Samantha is the "promiscuous" member of the fearsome foursome.

The female leads on Grey's Anatomy seem to be more fluid in their relationships (and more ethnically and physically variable--a pleasant switch). Meredith is in love with McDreamy, yet can date other men and has a number of sexcapades. Cristina settles down with Burke, but struggles with the seriousness of her relationship. Izzie falls madly in love with Deni and gets engaged only to have her fiancee pass away. Calli loves George, who breaks her heart and pushes her to sleep with McSteamy.

I have also debated with friends about the merits and problems of magazines like Cosmopolitan. I enjoy reading Cosmo and think that it has some redeeming qualities. It promotes safe sex, taking care of one's friends, awareness of health issues, eating disorders, etc. It does have its requisite trashiness, but that is part of its charm. It does promote a sexualized version of women--but what in American culture doesn't? Shampoo ads feature women feigning orgasm. It doesn't get more graphic than that, people. At least Cosmo has some remote aspect of intelligence and helpful information.

After viewing all of these different possibilities, it continues to remain unclear what path American women should take. I have dated a variety of men: the athlete, law students, the mathy/computer science geek, the scientist, the Marine core officer candidate, the bad boy, the drummer, the frat boy... Some of these characteristics are linked, and some of them are not. All of the men I have dated, however, lack one fundamental quality: they are not romantic.

Sure, some of them had great manners. Some of them took me on incredible dates that I will always remember. There were the occasional romantic surprises. But romance on a regular basis? Forget it. Regular displays of love and affection--both emotionally AND physically? No way. Old fashioned dating where they open the car door for you, bring you flowers for no reason, walk on the right side of the street, make you dinner by candlelight, spontaneous gestures of affection and kindness? Most definitely not. And when you tell them you need these things, the response is always the same: "Women are so demanding!" My most recent ex in particular was great at making me feel terrible for wanting the standard "I love you" on a regular basis.

From my perspective, what women want is, in fact, very difficult to attain. See this quote from Carrie: "Later that day I got to thinking about fairy tales. What if Prince Charming had never shown up? Would Snow White have laid in that glass box forever? Or would she have gotten up, spit out the apple, gotten a job and a health care plan and moved on with her life?" We modern American women do want jobs, health care plans, and the strength/ability to get up out of our glass box and walk away without a need for Prince Charming. Yet thoughts of him still linger. Is he out there? Will I find him if I leave my glass box? If and when I do find him, will I be skinny enough and wearing the right shade of lipstick?

I think the answer women want to hear is a resounding "yes!" We do want the fairy tale. We dream of our wedding days, bridesmaids, and children. We do want Prince Charming, even if he does have to wait to whisk us away until after our 2:30 meeting. We do like flowers, candy, and random acts of kindness. Yet the question remains: are American men "man" enough to find us?